Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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