i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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