Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
