I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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