Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
