considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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