Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .