Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
