I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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