Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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