Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
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btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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