Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
