So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It was confusing and full of hummus
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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