note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
