i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
