this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
