this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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