my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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