apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
