I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
