Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
