took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize