Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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