The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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