A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
