I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
