I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
