What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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