porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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