There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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