This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
