he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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