I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
