ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
