then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
