dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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