Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
