If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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