Just took my morning after pill in the library
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
