I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
