Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize