All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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