I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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