apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you made out with another girl for some wings
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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