I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
