Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
