I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
