You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
