I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
