i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
