I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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