Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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