I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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