i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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