You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
