I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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